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  <a href="/essays/blog/6027455/obamacare-for-the-soul">Obamacare for the Soul</a>&nbsp;
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<p><strong>The last time I told a Wal-Mart cashier to “have a nice day,” she responded with “God bless you.” Although I’m not religious, I smiled and said thank-you. My debit card wasn’t declined, so I figured her blessing had worked.</strong></p>

<p><strong>Some might say it’s bad manners for a Christian to say “God bless you” to a nonbeliever. Personally, I think it’s worse manners to say “Have a nice day” to a cashier at Wal-Mart. That’s like saying, “Enjoy the Caribbean” to a detainee at Guantanamo Bay.</strong></p>

<p><strong>I have one friend who gets</strong>…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027455/obamacare-for-the-soul">Read more</a></span></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2015-02-02T19:00:00-05:00" title="February 02, 2015 19:00">02/02/2015</span></p>

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  <a href="/essays/blog/6027453/deride-the-lightning">Deride the Lightning</a>&nbsp;
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<p>Capital punishment is one of the most hotly debated and polarizing issues in America. For example, when Tennessee decided to bring back the electric chair earlier this year, liberal Tennesseans argued&nbsp;this might increase the number of innocent people on death row, whereas conservative Tennesseans argued&nbsp;this might increase their electric bills.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Oklahoma wants to abolish&nbsp;lethal injection because it’s not covered by Obamacare.</p>
<p>Oklahoma botched an execution by lethal injection several months ago…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027453/deride-the-lightning">Read more</a></span></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-12-13T19:00:00-05:00" title="December 13, 2014 19:00">12/13/2014</span></p>

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  <a href="/essays/blog/6027452/gun-nuts-and-love-guns">Gun Nuts and Love Guns</a>&nbsp;
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<p>Although I’m a meat eater, I’m neither a gun owner nor a hunter. I’m not against killing defenseless animals; I’m against getting up at 5:00 am to do it:</p>

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<p>&nbsp;"<em>Hey, Jeff—how about we get up at the crack of dawn, freeze our butts off and shoot at some deer?"</em></p>
<p><em>&nbsp;"</em><em>I’ve got a better idea: How about you leave me an assault rifle with a high-capacity magazine and I’ll sleep till noon, brew some coffee, scarf some Crunch Berries and then get all “Scarface” on the neighbor’s poodle that’ll be yapping its damn head</em>…</p>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-11-30T19:00:00-05:00" title="November 30, 2014 19:00">11/30/2014</span></p>

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  <a href="/essays/blog/6027451/fun-as-ship">Fun as Ship</a>&nbsp;
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<p>Most cruise ships offer lots of fun-filled activities such as Bingo, shuffleboard and trivia. Granted, these are things you can do at your local senior center for free. But on a cruise you can win prizes. And nothing says “I’m a better person than the rest of you old farts” like going home with a suitcase full of plastic “ship-on-a-stick” trophies valued at twenty cents apiece.</p>
<p>But if you’re too busy establishing your intellectual superiority over your fellow passengers by taking first place in “TV Theme…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027451/fun-as-ship">Read more</a></span></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-11-06T19:00:00-05:00" title="November 06, 2014 19:00">11/06/2014</span></p>

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  <a href="/essays/blog/6027450/heckler-skelter">Heckler Skelter</a>&nbsp;
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<p><strong>Repeat after me: Heckling does&nbsp;<em>not</em>&nbsp;help a stand-up comedy show!</strong></p>
<p><strong>To get an idea of how&nbsp;<em>unhelpful</em>&nbsp;hecklers are, imagine if you were forced to read the above sentence while trying to read something else for pleasure. Let’s say, a Dan Brown novel:</strong></p>
<p><strong><em>“That’s it,” thought Langdon. “The answer was right in front of me the whole time. If one translates Beowulf from the old English into Portuguese using a code key hidden in the original handwritten lyrics of Francis Scott Keyes’ ‘Star Spangled Banner’, then the</em></strong>…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027450/heckler-skelter">Read more</a></span></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-10-21T20:00:00-04:00" title="October 21, 2014 20:00">10/21/2014</span></p>

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  <a href="/essays/blog/6027449/shut-up-and-laugh">Shut Up and Laugh!</a>&nbsp;
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<p><strong>My main duty as a comedy club manager is to monitor table talk and heckling during a show. The reason “policing the room” is so important is because stand-up comedy is a delicate art form. In fact, the only thing more delicate than stand-up comedy is the ego of a tipsy redneck who thinks stand-up comedy is neither delicate nor an art form. That means I constantly have to be on the lookout for potential disturbances that can interfere with a comedian’s performance. A skilled comedian’s punchlines are so</strong>…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027449/shut-up-and-laugh">Read more</a></span></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-10-08T20:00:00-04:00" title="October 08, 2014 20:00">10/08/2014</span></p>

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  <a href="/essays/blog/6027454/sinking-the-love-boat">Sinking the Love Boat</a>&nbsp;
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<p>The only thing harder than making a relationship work is making a relationship work at sea. There are lot less outlet malls in the Caribbean, which means a woman will stay mad at you longer.</p>
<p>Some guests and crew refer to our ship as “The Love Boat.” &nbsp;Unfortunately, one cruise isn’t going to help you if your relationship is in trouble. Because once a woman has it in her mind that you’re a selfish a-hole, nothing you do or say will convince her otherwise.</p>
<p>WOMAN:</p>
<p>“I can’t justify buying myself this Coach…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027454/sinking-the-love-boat">Read more</a></span></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-07-26T20:00:00-04:00" title="July 26, 2014 20:00">07/26/2014</span></p>

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  <a href="/essays/blog/6027448/refugee-rhapsody">Refugee Rhapsody</a>&nbsp;
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<p><strong>Last cruise, we rescued 40 Cuban refugees in a small, rickety watercraft which had been adrift at sea for over two weeks. We fed them, clothed them, and gave them medical attention. They are now proud members of our Housekeeping Department.</strong></p>
<p><strong>Just kidding. The bean counters in Miami would never authorize the extra uniforms.</strong></p>
<p><strong>We tried offloading our unexpected guests in Montego Bay, Jamaica, but they took one look around and said, “Screw this dump—take us back to Cuba!”</strong></p>
<p><strong>That’s exactly what happened, too.</strong>…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027448/refugee-rhapsody">Read more</a></span></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-05-11T20:00:00-04:00" title="May 11, 2014 20:00">05/11/2014</span></p>

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  <a href="/essays/blog/6027447/ship-for-brains">Ship for Brains</a>&nbsp;
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<p>Although Cruise Critic reviews can tell you which ship offers the best bang for your buck, one thing they&nbsp;can’t tell you is what your fellow passengers will be like on any given cruise. Pick the wrong sailing date with the wrong guest demographic and your vacation can go from Cape Canaveral to “Cape Fear” faster than you can say, “Here comes Honey Boo-Boo!”</p>
<p>Even if you book the most poorly reviewed ship in the fleet, the biggest negative surprise of your cruise will be what troublemakers some of your…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027447/ship-for-brains">Read more</a></span></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-05-01T20:00:00-04:00" title="May 01, 2014 20:00">05/01/2014</span></p>

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  <a href="/essays/blog/6027446/have-tux-will-travel">Have Tux, Will Travel</a>&nbsp;
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<p>When packing for a cruise, don’t forget something nice to wear on Elegant Night. If you don’t own a tuxedo or evening gown, a tank top or sweat pants will do just fine. Just make sure they’re&nbsp;<em>clean. &nbsp;</em>It is Elegant Night, after all.</p>
<p>Elegant Night isn’t what it used to be. Dressing up is optional now because my cruise line doesn’t want to alienate the lucrative “Duck Dynasty” demo by forcing them to wear anything that needs to be ironed. From a business standpoint that makes perfect sense: disgruntled…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027446/have-tux-will-travel">Read more</a></span></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-04-15T20:00:00-04:00" title="April 15, 2014 20:00">04/15/2014</span></p>

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