<turbo-stream action="update" target="blog_feature_321240"><template>
    
<div class="blog-wrapper" id="blog_159694-wrapper">
  <div class="blog summary clearfix" id="blog_159694-blog">
      <div class="tiled-sizer"></div>
      <div class="gutter-sizer"></div>

      <article class="post blog-article summary-item post-summary" data-controller="zoogle-video" data-action="message@window-&gt;zoogle-video#handleVimeoPostMessage">
    
<h2 class="heading-blog heading-secondary alt-font">
  <a href="/essays/blog/6027445/children-of-the-all-you-can-eat-corn">Children of the All-You-Can-Eat Corn</a>&nbsp;
</h2>

<div class="post">
  <div class="message">
<p></p>

<p>If your main reason for going on a cruise is to get away from your kids for a week, make sure you pick the right week. If you go during summer vacation, winter holidays or spring break, you’ll be trading your kids for other people’s kids. And after watching them charge around the ship with no supervision, knocking over old ladies with walkers, crashing into waiters balancing huge trays of nine-dollar drinks, and cannon balling pool water onto your Kindle, you’ll wish you had brought your kids along just…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027445/children-of-the-all-you-can-eat-corn">Read more</a></span></div>
</div>

<footer class="meta blog-footer clearfix">
    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-03-02T19:00:00-05:00" title="March 02, 2014 19:00">03/02/2014</span></p>

  <p class="post-info"></p>
</footer>

</article>  <article class="post blog-article summary-item post-summary" data-controller="zoogle-video" data-action="message@window-&gt;zoogle-video#handleVimeoPostMessage">
    
<h2 class="heading-blog heading-secondary alt-font">
  <a href="/essays/blog/6027444/cabin-fever">Cabin Fever</a>&nbsp;
</h2>

<div class="post">
  <div class="message">
<p></p>
<p>The second most frequent question cruise ship passengers ask the crew is, “What are your living quarters like?” (The most frequent question is, “Can you say that again—this time, in English—please?”)</p>
<p>Working on a cruise ship isn’t easy. You’re on the clock up to 14 hours a day, every day, for six months to a year, with few—if any—days off, all the while being whipped mercilessly by cat o’ nine tails. Fortunately, you can have all the banana nut bread you want, so the whippings are definitely worth it.</p>
<p>…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027444/cabin-fever">Read more</a></span></div>
</div>

<footer class="meta blog-footer clearfix">
    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-02-15T19:00:00-05:00" title="February 15, 2014 19:00">02/15/2014</span></p>

  <p class="post-info"></p>
</footer>

</article>  <article class="post blog-article summary-item post-summary" data-controller="zoogle-video" data-action="message@window-&gt;zoogle-video#handleVimeoPostMessage">
    
<h2 class="heading-blog heading-secondary alt-font">
  <a href="/essays/blog/6027443/leader-of-the-pack-ing">Leader of the Pack(ing)</a>&nbsp;
</h2>

<div class="post">
  <div class="message">
<p></p>

<p>It’s great to be back home in Cleveland. This is the first time I’ve seen snow in seven years. Unless you count the time I picked up the wrong suitcase in Mexico.</p>

<p>I’d have preferred to remain in the Caribbean for the winter, but I was arrested for throwing eggs at the ship next door and drag racing on a Rascal Scooter (the Lamborghini of mobility scooters). They were going to deport me to Canada, but they found out Cleveland was colder due to the “lake effect," which is meteorological jargon for…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027443/leader-of-the-pack-ing">Read more</a></span></div>
</div>

<footer class="meta blog-footer clearfix">
    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-02-07T19:00:00-05:00" title="February 07, 2014 19:00">02/07/2014</span></p>

  <p class="post-info"></p>
</footer>

</article>  <article class="post blog-article summary-item post-summary" data-controller="zoogle-video" data-action="message@window-&gt;zoogle-video#handleVimeoPostMessage">
    
<h2 class="heading-blog heading-secondary alt-font">
  <a href="/essays/blog/6027442/acid-trip">Acid Trip</a>&nbsp;
</h2>

<div class="post">
  <div class="message">
<p></p>

<p>When I lost my voice for three months last year, I was forced to host 20 comedy shows per cruise sounding like Kathleen Turner. This confused the hell out of our guests because I&nbsp;<em>look</em>&nbsp;like Ellen DeGeneres.</p>

<p>Some nights my voice was so hoarse I had to rely on hand gestures to communicate. Fortunately, the gestures required for dealing with drunken hecklers at a midnight comedy show are the same gestures required for merging into rush-hour traffic, so they were already second nature.</p>

<p>Although I knew…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027442/acid-trip">Read more</a></span></div>
</div>

<footer class="meta blog-footer clearfix">
    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-01-28T19:00:00-05:00" title="January 28, 2014 19:00">01/28/2014</span></p>

  <p class="post-info"></p>
</footer>

</article>  <article class="post blog-article summary-item post-summary" data-controller="zoogle-video" data-action="message@window-&gt;zoogle-video#handleVimeoPostMessage">
    
<h2 class="heading-blog heading-secondary alt-font">
  <a href="/essays/blog/6027441/twas-the-season">&#39;Twas the SEAson</a>&nbsp;
</h2>

<div class="post">
  <div class="message">
<p></p>
<p>It’s hard to believe the holidays are over already. Perhaps if I were to take the Christmas decorations down in my cabin, it would feel more like the twelfth day of 2014. But seeing how my New Year’s resolution was to be a lazy as possible, I don’t want to quit while I’m on a roll.</p>
<p>Besides, I've gotten used to having a life-sized snowman on my wall. Sometimes, when life at sea gets particularly stressful, “Frosty” will come to life and cheer me up. Why, just the other day, I said, “Frosty, last night, a…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027441/twas-the-season">Read more</a></span></div>
</div>

<footer class="meta blog-footer clearfix">
    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2014-01-11T19:00:00-05:00" title="January 11, 2014 19:00">01/11/2014</span></p>

  <p class="post-info"></p>
</footer>

</article>  <article class="post blog-article summary-item post-summary" data-controller="zoogle-video" data-action="message@window-&gt;zoogle-video#handleVimeoPostMessage">
    
<h2 class="heading-blog heading-secondary alt-font">
  <a href="/essays/blog/6027440/team-america">Team America</a>&nbsp;
</h2>

<div class="post">
  <div class="message">
<p></p>
<p>One of the first things guests ask me is, “What’s an American like you doing working as a crew member on a cruise ship?”</p>
<p>My stock answer is: “I’m not a crew member. I’m actually the president of the cruise line, taping an episode of ‘Undercover Boss’.”</p>
<p>Almost every American on our ship works in the Entertainment Department. Our cruise line learned the hard way that we Americans are much more entertaining than, say, Croatians:</p>
<p>“OK, everybody, it is time to play da trivias: ‘What country is so stupid dey…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027440/team-america">Read more</a></span></div>
</div>

<footer class="meta blog-footer clearfix">
    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2013-12-07T19:00:00-05:00" title="December 07, 2013 19:00">12/07/2013</span></p>

  <p class="post-info"></p>
</footer>

</article>  <article class="post blog-article summary-item post-summary" data-controller="zoogle-video" data-action="message@window-&gt;zoogle-video#handleVimeoPostMessage">
    
<h2 class="heading-blog heading-secondary alt-font">
  <a href="/essays/blog/6027439/sorry-if-i-offended-you-jackass">Sorry If I Offended You, Jackass!</a>&nbsp;
</h2>

<div class="post">
  <div class="message">
<p></p>

<p>There comes a point in every comedian’s career when he has to stop worrying about offending people. Worrying about offending people while performing stand-up comedy is like worrying about getting bugs on your windshield while driving a car. No matter how slowly or carefully you drive, you’re still going to get bugs on your windshield. You don’t want to kill the bugs, you may feel bad about killing the bugs—especially if your kid is watching&nbsp;<em>A Bug’s Life&nbsp;</em>in the backseat—but, unless you want to stay…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027439/sorry-if-i-offended-you-jackass">Read more</a></span></div>
</div>

<footer class="meta blog-footer clearfix">
    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2013-11-19T19:00:00-05:00" title="November 19, 2013 19:00">11/19/2013</span></p>

  <p class="post-info"></p>
</footer>

</article>  <article class="post blog-article summary-item post-summary" data-controller="zoogle-video" data-action="message@window-&gt;zoogle-video#handleVimeoPostMessage">
    
<h2 class="heading-blog heading-secondary alt-font">
  <a href="/essays/blog/6027438/fan-friction">Fan Friction</a>&nbsp;
</h2>

<div class="post">
  <div class="message">
<p></p>
<p>After reading about the popular new trend of online “fan fiction,” I can’t stop picturing how cool it would be to have some teenage girl reinvent me as a wisecracking vampire lurking in the shadows, thirsting to drain the lifeblood from inebriated cruise-ship guests who complain about the long lines to get into our comedy club. I have the perfect title, too: “The Fun Dude Sucks!”</p>
<p>Although they may not invent Internet stories about me, my fans are still the greatest. Instead of politely introducing…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027438/fan-friction">Read more</a></span></div>
</div>

<footer class="meta blog-footer clearfix">
    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2013-10-20T20:00:00-04:00" title="October 20, 2013 20:00">10/20/2013</span></p>

  <p class="post-info"></p>
</footer>

</article>  <article class="post blog-article summary-item post-summary" data-controller="zoogle-video" data-action="message@window-&gt;zoogle-video#handleVimeoPostMessage">
    
<h2 class="heading-blog heading-secondary alt-font">
  <a href="/essays/blog/6027437/i-kid-you-not">I Kid You Not</a>&nbsp;
</h2>

<div class="post">
  <div class="message">
<p></p>
<p>The coolest thing about being a cruise ship comedian is I get to perform stand-up for children way too young to visit comedy clubs on land. One night, this adorable little Chinese-American girl in the front row raised her hand halfway through my set.</p>
<p>“Do you have a question, Sweetheart?”</p>
<p>“Yes. When does the good part start?”</p>
<p>Needless to say, the audience went nuts.</p>
<p>Feigning outrage, I said, “Hey, Kid—I don’t come down to where you work and knock the iPhone parts out of your hand, do I?”</p>
<p>As the wave of…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027437/i-kid-you-not">Read more</a></span></div>
</div>

<footer class="meta blog-footer clearfix">
    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2013-10-07T20:00:00-04:00" title="October 07, 2013 20:00">10/07/2013</span></p>

  <p class="post-info"></p>
</footer>

</article>  <article class="post blog-article summary-item post-summary" data-controller="zoogle-video" data-action="message@window-&gt;zoogle-video#handleVimeoPostMessage">
    
<h2 class="heading-blog heading-secondary alt-font">
  <a href="/essays/blog/6027436/the-big-o">The Big &quot;O&quot;</a>&nbsp;
</h2>

<div class="post">
  <div class="message">
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>Whenever a comedian’s flight gets canceled, I get paid extra to cover his shows as the fill-in headliner. It’s happened three times in the past two months. I’m not sure if it’s due to the current shortage of air traffic controllers or my voodoo doll shaped like a Delta jet.</p>
<p>The last time I covered for a headliner, I received a standing ovation. This means one of two things:</p>
<ol>
<li>The audience wanted me to know how much they loved my show.</li>
<li>The audience wanted me to know how happy they were it was over.</li>
</ol>
<p>…</p><span class="read-more pdf__hide"><a href="/essays/blog/6027436/the-big-o">Read more</a></span></div>
</div>

<footer class="meta blog-footer clearfix">
    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2013-09-27T20:00:00-04:00" title="September 27, 2013 20:00">09/27/2013</span></p>

  <p class="post-info"></p>
</footer>

</article>

</div></div>
    <nav class="pagination">
    <span class="first">
  <a href="/essays/blog_posts?p=1"><span class='pagination-decoration icon icon-first'></span>First</a>
</span>

    <span class="prev">
  <a rel="prev" href="/essays/blog_posts?p=2"><span class='pagination-decoration icon icon-previous'></span>Prev</a>
</span>
        <span class="page">
  <a href="/essays/blog_posts?p=1">1</a>
</span>

        <span class="page">
  <a rel="prev" href="/essays/blog_posts?p=2">2</a>
</span>

        <span class="page current">
  3
</span>

        <span class="page">
  <a rel="next" href="/essays/blog_posts?p=4">4</a>
</span>

      <span class="next">
  <a rel="next" href="/essays/blog_posts?p=4">Next<span class='pagination-decoration icon icon-next'></span></a>
</span>
      <span class="last">
  <a href="/essays/blog_posts?p=4">Last<span class='pagination-decoration icon icon-last'></span></a>
</span>

  </nav>





</template></turbo-stream>